Relația la psiholog

By | 2019-05-13T06:42:18+00:00 mai 13th, 2019|

Ce ai face dacă de mâine nu ai mai fi în relația de cuplu în care ești?

Ai trecut repede peste întrebarea de mai sus? Nu-i nimic. O vei primi ca temă după ce termini articolul.
S-au scris tratate de specialitate, romane, articole despre tot ceea ce poate transforma o relație funcțională în una disfuncțională. Nu am citit tot și nu am trăit tot. De aceea, mă voi opri la un aspect pe care l-am conștientizat în cabinet, când eu stăteam pe scaun, nu pe canapea.

S-a așezat ieri pe canapeaua mea Relația…
Uau!… E o tipă super faină. Dezinvoltă, sigură pe ea, echilibrată, autentică, asumată, optimistă, puternică și vulnerabilă în același timp. E frumoasă… Și totuși, ce caută o astfel de persoană într-un cabinet de psihoterapie?

– Păi sincer, Alex, nici mie nu-mi e foarte clar. Speram să mă ajuți tu să-mi dau seama ce nu este în regulă cu mine. Nu știu. Chiar nu știu ce am dar nu sunt bine.

Am înghițit în sec… De două ori. Habar nu aveam ce să zic. Trag de timp până mi se deblochează mintea.

– Înțeleg ce-mi spui… Ai frați, surori?
– Am, da. Cupidon. E fratele meu mai mare… Oftează și face o pauză. Și pe el simt că îl dezamăgesc aproape în fiecare zi.

Bingo, zic grăbit în gândul meu. Uite o emoție! Notez.

– Cupidon e fratele tău?!… Îl cunosc. Am avut plăcerea să ne întâlnim de câteva ori.
– Da. El este o persoană plină de bucurie și optimism. Este vesel mereu.
– Și tu cum ești?
– Eu?!… Eu sunt tristă!

Încă o emoție. Bingo! Notez.

– Și ești tristă mereu?
– Ei, nu mereu. Uneori. Dar cam des dacă stau să mă gândesc mai bine.
– Și de când au început tristețile să te caute?
– Păi… Nu știu. Acum e prima oară când conștientizez asta.
– Și tot prima oară este și când verbalizezi că îl dezamăgești pe fratele tău?
– Da!… Nici la asta nu m-am mai gândit până acum. Nu știu cum de mi-a ieșit pe gură. Așa am zis mai devreme, nu? Că simt că-l dezamăgesc.
– Așa ai zis: … si pe el simt că-l dezamăgesc aproape în fiecare zi…
– Hmm!…Oare de ce am zis asta, Alex?…
– Oare de ce, Relația?… Bună întrebare.

Acum a înghițit ea în sec. Maxilarul i s-a încleștat. O dată… Și încă o dată. Ochii au început să-i strălucească și se chinuia să nu plângă. Și-a schimbat poziția pe canapea de parcă voia să fugă. Fața i s-a înroșit pe măsura trăirilor interioare. Și-a fixat privirea undeva în stânga, într-un punct decolorat din mochetă. Aproape că nu mai respira. Dar îi puteam observa pulsul accelerat la gât. Pumnii îi avea strânși.
Era liniște. Am luat cutia de servețele de pe masă și i-am întins-o!

– Nu vreau. Nu vreau să plâng…

Și-a șters repede cu mâna două lacrimi scăpate pe obraz și mi-a făcut semn să iau șervețelele din fața ei.

– Ți-am zis că e ceva în neregulă cu mine. Vezi! Nici nu știu de ce plâng. Plâng ca proasta și nici nu știu de ce? Ce naiba e cu mine, Alex? Îmi vine să…

– Să?…

– Să sparg tot. Să bat pe cineva. Să-i ia naiba pe toți!

Se vedea că nu e mândră de ceea ce a zis și mă privea ca să verifice dacă o judec.

– Să-i ia!.. Zic. Și îi întind din nou cutia cu șervețele.
– Lasă-mă cu șervețelele astea că nu plâng. Când sunt nervoasă, nu plâng.

Retrag repede șervețelele ca și cum mi-ar fi teamă de ea și profit de moment să o întreb cu vocea aproape șoptită.

– Dar pe cine ești tu așa de furioasă, Relația? Între timp, notez.
– Pe toți, ți-am zis!
– Hmmm! Nasol!…
– Ce e nasol? M-a întrebat, curioasă de parcă spera să-i ofer acel răspuns.
– Păi, mă gândesc acum că o să mă ia naiba și pe mine. Și mi-am dat chiar și consimțământul .
– Nu pe tine, Alex! Mi-a răspuns puțin rușinată.
– Nu?!… Întreb, parcă ușurat.
– Nu!…
– Dar pe cine mai exact, Relația?
– Pe toți cei care au o relație și au impresia că totul va merge de la sine, fără să facă niciun efort, doar pentru că i-a nimerit frate-miu cu   săgeata lui. Și mai sunt ceilalți! Cei care și-au luat armuri anti-Cupidon pe ei și se dau independenți și autosuficienți. Dar tremură de frică pe sub armurile lor și bălesc la o îmbrățișare ca un copil la un castron cu înghețată. Bine, pe ăștia nu ar trebui să mă enervez așa rău că nu intră sub ”jurisdicția” mea. Să le topescă frate-miu armurile și apoi mai vedem. Dar tot mă enervează. Și mai sunt unii care mă scot din minți!
– Mai este o categorie?!… Credeam că i-ai acoperit pe toți.
– Mai sunt cei care, nu știu de unde, Doamne iartă-mă, au aflat că dacă intri într-o relație trebuie: să petreacă tot timpul existent cu partenera(ul); să nu mai țină legătura cu prietenii. Nu mai spun despre să se întâlnească. Trebuie să anunțe orice schimbare de plan din viața lor. Și aici mă refer la schimbări de genul – în drum spre casă mă opresc treizeci de minute să beau o cafea într-un parc. Trebuie anunțat… Să nu mai dea Like pe Facebook decât persoanelor din lista ”autorizată”. Adică să nu mai recunoască faptul că îi place ceva sau mai ales cineva. Să renunțe la plimbările din toiul nopții când au insomnii sau au de luat o decizie, pentru că altfel, trebuie să dea explicații. Să nu mai vorbească la telefon două ore cu o amică/un amic ce suferă de plictiseală, pentru că e timp din timpul ăla care trebuie TOT petrecut cu celălalt. Să stea în casă unul lângă altul. Tot timpul. Chiar dacă au trei camere și unul are chef să citească iar celălalt să se uite la televizor… Poate exagerez, Alex… Dar pe scurt spus, să facă TOTUL împreună, să gândească TOTUL împreună, să simtă TOTUL împreună pentru că altfel înseamnă că nu iubești îndeajuns. Și ce mă înfurie cel mai tare, Alex, este că nici măcar nu stabilesc aceste restricții împreună. Le fac ei așa, de la sine, că așa trebuie. Fiecare cu lista lui de AȘA TREBUIE. Și ce se întâmplă peste un an, doi, trei? Se sufocă!…
– Se sufocă?… Întreb mirat?
– Da, Alex! Parcă și-ar pune o pungă pe cap și și-ar strânge-o încet, încet în jurul gâtului. Singuri! Fiecare cu punga lui. Nici nu-și dau seama ce-și fac. Și uite așa, dau cu relația de toți pereții. Cu relația, Alex! Cu mine!
Și-a luat singură trei șervețele din cutie și a plâns. A plâns pentru ea, pentru Cupidon, pentru mine, pentru toți oamenii care singuri se sufocă în relații doar pentru că așa știu ei că TREBUIE.

Și a plâns!…

– Relația, oamenii despre care vorbești tu, vin la mine, la colegii mei în terapie. Le scoatem noi pungile de pe cap… Am sperat să fie o intervenție bună.
– Vin pe naiba, Alex. Dacă veneau ei, nu mai eram eu azi aici. Stau cu pungile pe cap și trăiesc relația cu porția. Din sărbătoare în sărbătoare. Fac front comun cu ASTA E și cu FRUSTRAREA și-mi râd mie în față apoi. Și suferă, Alex. Suferă ei, suferă copiii lor, suferă Cupidon și sufăr și eu. Și când FRUSTRAREA le acaparează sufletul, ce crezi că fac mai nou, Alex?…
– Merg la Psiholog?!…
– Nu, Alex! Se despart! Își bat joc de toate săgețile lui Cupidon. Își bat joc de mine. Nu mai au răbdare nici cinci minute. Spun: ASTA E! Ura și la gară!…

Relația plânge în hohote… și printre suspine:

– Nu știu ce să fac, Alex. Nu mai știu! Simt că am îmbâtrânit și sunt depășită de toate.
– Hai să începem prin a respira un minut. Tragem aer în piet, expirăm. Așa…

– Relația, spui că ai îmbătrânit… Câți ani ai?

Încearcă un zâmbet timid și îmi răspunde:
– Adam și Eva m-au creat. Calculează și tu.
– Ai dreptate! Răspund puțin jenat. Ar fi trebuit să-mi dau seama. Zâmbesc… Relația, cred că dacă îți era scris să îmbătrânești, ai fi făcut-o până acum. Poate nu bătrânețea e cea care te face să simți dezamăgire, tristețe, frustrare, furie.
– Păi nu! Oamenii mă fac să mă simt așa. Nu bătrânețea.
– Relația!… Oamenii spun vorbe, fac acțiuni, gândesc gânduri și simt propriile emoții. Noi alegem să simțim cee ce simțim atunci când ei fac, zic, gândesc ceva. Fericirea sau Tristețea ta sunt responsabilitățile tale, nu ale lor.
– Păi eu pentru ei și prin ei trăiesc, Alex!… Depind de ei.
– Și ei depind de tine? Trăiesc pentru tine?
– Păi după cum observi, nu prea!

Am tăcut. Mă uitam în ochii ei mari care acum străluceau de mirare și căutare. Parcă mi se oprise și mie respirația. Cred că aveam un zâmbet tâmp pe față. Ca atunci când aștepți de la celălalt să se prindă de ceea ce gândești tu. Așteptam…

– Să trăiesc pentru mine, Alex?!… Mi-a șoptit de parcă se temea să nu o audă cineva.
– În primul rând, Relația! I-am răspuns șoptit și eu.

S-a cufundat în canapea și mă privea fix. Nu am știut să înțeleg trăirile ei. Și nici nu am întrebat-o. Cred că îmi era și mie teamă de răspuns. Am rămas așa preț de câteva minute. La un moment dat cred că am devenit eu anxios și am pus capăt momentului:

– Relația, pot să te întreb ceva?…

A încuviințat ușor din cap.

– De când ai fost creată și până acum, oamenii s-au schimbat?

A tăcut o vreme apoi a răspuns:
– S-au schimbat, Alex.
– Și tu?…

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